I'm hopelessly addicted to cereal. It's not really something I enjoy talking about, but it's cowardly and irresponsible to hide from the truth. At any given time I'm hard pressed to tell you the balance of my checking account, the date, or my own middle name; but I always know the near precise bowl amount of cereal and fluid ounce amount of westsoy nonfat plain soymilk I currently have in my apartment. I know which brands are sold at nearly all commercial outlets in a 2-3 mile radius of my house. Almost every Sunday night finds me pregnant with a 5 bowl cereal belly in an attempt to cure the weekend-end blues. It's kinda sick. And delicious.

I don't even eat breakfast, so my ability to keep my consumption rate in the 'ridiculous' category is borderline amazing. I see frosted flakes more as a dessert. Unfortunately it's not usually until I'm four bowls deep before I realize that cereal does, in fact, count as real food.

Guidelines
  • Anything with "crunch" in the title is probably awesome, with "crisp" and "clusters" following closely.
  • Most cereal naturally has a high level of fiber. Anything that goes out of its way to include the word "bran" in its title is surely trouble.
  • As you can see with Raisin Bran Crunch, the power of "crunch" neautralizes the negative "bran", but prevents it from being truly great.
  • Flakes beat rice, every time.
  • Words like "purified" or "zen" have no place in a cereal title, description, or lifestyle.
  • While the stigma of cereal coming in a bag being ghetto is true, I still support them. There's not a ton of variety, but the cereal-state-of-mind encourages you to literally think outside the box.
  • Fruit can be good, but only if it appears in a natural state; raisins, dried grapes, cranberries, blueberries. Freeze dried strawberries and the like are an unnatural, untasty, milk staining strain on the rest of the mix.
  • Oatmeal is not cereal. It's delicious, but it's not cereal.
  • Omar loves the Honey Nut.
  • At the bare minimum, a cereal decision should alwaystake into account a) the immediate digestive / bowel consequences and b) the mouth cutting factor. Captain Crunch looks courteous, but he will tear your shit up.
cereal pyramid