Last night I was eating my dinner off of a pillow on my lap, like the good little grown up I am. Jeopardy! wasn't on yet and Pat Sajack gives me the creeps, so I ended up flipping between Entertainment Tonight and some E! News show. Holyworldisendingshit. The 20 minutes I spent between the programs were consumed with "reports" on 15 year olds. I can't even figure out what High School Musical IS (show? movie? STFU-sical?). Since when are there feuds about replacing Miley Cyrus? 15 is too old to be on top now? I love how crotchety (teehee) it makes me sound, but seriously kids...SLOW DOWN! You're supposed to be sneaking beers and skipping school, not meeting with personal trainers and publicists. Ladies, you're going to be inexplicably embarrassed when you look back and realize you sang emotional ballads about someone whose balls hadn't dropped yet. I promise they get bigger and better, wait it out. Or date older men, as you undoubtedly will. And Jonas brothers, you're going to be even more ashamed regarding confessing - nay bragging - about your virginity. Eventually you will get hair down there and you'll want to put it to use. In the meantime go rent Die Hard. Or watch some sports. Anything. Testosterone. Stat.

I know the child star concept is nothing new. But this current machine like series of Disney outputting unsullied stars seems a little out of hand. Maybe I'm just sensitive because my teen heart throb of choice ended up committing suicide. It's not like I really thought I was going to marry him. But...I really thought I was going to marry him. Sigh. I miss you, Jonathan.

best godmother ever

I understand tweens have endless allowances to waste and don't blame Disney and E! for cashing in. But the older I get the more exhausting it becomes watching the whole cyclical destructive process. Let's pay attention to people that aren't real people yet! The farther removed you are the stupider the acceptance of naivety seems. So then the only truly infuriating part is watching adults humoring the pedostars. The control it must take not to buckle and scream about the inevitable psychological, sexual, social, and legal misadventures destined in their upcoming shitstorm of an adolescence. Christ, Jodi Sweetin did meth. Seriously...meth. How rude. Run kids!

Mostly, just stop wasting my time. I know those shows are trash, but they still claim to be news. Fucking Bernie Mac AND Isaac Hayes just died!! And this is what you're talking about Ryan Seacrest? FOR SHAME. John Edwards' shifty ass cheated on his cancer stricken wife! The nutjob that got her puppies cloned is actually a woman accused 31 years ago of abducting a mormon missionary for sex slave purposes! Awesome! There are so many things more interesting to talk about that don't involve purity rings. Well. Not in the aforementioned context, at least.