I can't stop watching The Deadliest Catch. I can't, I don't want to, and I won't.

Lucky for me Discovery plays it about 18 hours a day. What's today…Sunday? And Father's Day? Guaranteed marathon. Yesterday they warmed up by airing their mini-series 'Lobstermen' and 'Tuna Wranglers'; today is the real deal. So excited that I'd buy shots at the Elbow Room if I could.

The show is remarkable. It's the pure and perfect antithesis to 'The Real Housewives of So You Think You Can Shot at Love' Reality show Clusterfuck. Christ. This guy is not trying to get the cover of Us Weekly. He just wants to do his job. And he wants to do it in a leather USA jacket. And that combination, friends, is a pure joy to watch.

My mind is dancing with knowledge of Kings, Opilios, Crane hydraulics, picking hooks, and Derby style vs. Individual Fishing Quotas. It's getting to the point where I know their routine and process so well, I can't help but wonder if I'm not damn well qualified to be a deckhand. Who I should try to get hired on with? My instincts immediately tell me I would best fit on the Cornelia Marie under Captain Phil Harris, whose downtime interests include "Ride Harley, Travel and go to NASCAR races, Relaxing and making my bird houses". Sure, it might be a little rough. And someone did once tell me seagulls are attracted to menstruation. I'd be expected to lift obscenely heavy pots while being pounded by rogue waves in subzero temperatures. But I do yoga, soooo, I'm pretty sure I could handle it.

the deadliest catch

The adventure and excitement is narrated by vocal prodigy and human wonder Mike Rowe. Never have I witnessed a man so acutely aware of what his professional role can and should be. His contributions to my overall joy are many. There's the obvious happiness from Dirty Jobs (the only other show Discovery airs besides Deadliest Catch). Even better, is the discovery of his early career work for QVC. A mind blowing cocktail of authenticity, satire, pride and confidence, acceptance, and self deprecation. He hawked precious moments figurines and came out of it better than ever. He hosted Shark Week. He has weird fans. He was an opera singer. And he's from Baltimore. Unfortunately, Microwesoft.com is unavailable.

I digress. Just watch Deadliest Catch! Excitement, drama, disaster, injuries, superstitions, and pranks are waiting for you every week. Get sucked into the family legacy stories and constant clashing of competitive natures. Watch Captain Phil exist exclusively on Red Bull and cigarettes and still fall asleep in the wheel house. Watch the Hillstrand brothers ("The Cowboy" and "The Horse Whisperer") be awesome in every way. Watch Sig be a rational dick, and Keith Coburn be an irrational, immature dick. Watch Sig's brother not give a shiiiiit. Ice and crabs and waves and buoys and FUN! And OMFG, imagine my excitement when I discovered this. Pre-order? CHECK.